


Of Sex Toys and Good Intentions

by Renai_chan



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Butt Plugs, Humor, Inappropriate Erections, M/M, Merlin knows everything, Not Britpicked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 11:19:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4302810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renai_chan/pseuds/Renai_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy only wanted to give Harry a surprise, so why did it have to blow up so fantastically in his face?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Sex Toys and Good Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> My first Hartwin, and oh God, I feel so nervous posting this.
> 
> I have only recently been introduced to the goodness that is Kingsman: The Secret Service, and dear lord, do I not regret a single second. If only there was more of it. So, here's my contribution.
> 
> This has not been Britpicked. I tried, but it's up to you to let me know how miserably I have failed.

It had been a gag gift because Roxy had just gotten off a successful week-long mission in Amsterdam and had been feeling particularly pleased with herself. And because he and Harry had just discovered the honeymoon phase of their relationship and had spent the last month shagging each other over every flat surface, horizontal or otherwise, at home and--far too often for Merlin's tastes (for which once was one time too many)--at work, so she wanted to make a point.

But honestly, as far as gag gifts went, it wasn't entirely useless, and Eggsy was always up for taking Roxy's points and completely bastardizing them.

So.

He left the house that day after a _long_ shower and the careful application of one huge vibrating butt plug, intending on seeking Harry out and showing him exactly why Merlin knew fuck all what he was talking about and that office sex was one of the most fantastic things ever conceptualized by the human mind.

By all Eggsy's accounts, it was a good intention--an excellent intention because Harry had been working far too hard lately and hadn’t had a lot of time to relax--so, honestly, he had to wonder: why the _fuck_ did karma have it in for him?!

"Ten 'o clock, Galahad," Merlin called out in his ear, and Eggsy, with barely a thought, whipped to one side and flung an empty magazine smack into the middle of the forehead of the minion advancing on him. It wasn't enough to incapacitate him, but he was suitably distracted so that Eggsy could immobilize the next advancing minion behind him with a beautiful roundhouse to the temple while smacking a new magazine into his gun and following up the first magazine with a bullet before his leg had even landed back on the ground.

Of course, when it did, the plug made its presence known once again, and he sucked in a sharp breath.

The battlefield was _so_ not the place for a hard-on, and with each motion, the thickness caresses his insides, the neck stretched him open, and the base prodded at him teasingly. They were all overwhelming sensations, and Eggsy cursed London’s latest budding terrorist for having called him straight into the action on his way to work instead of somewhere safe and decent where he could have taken the plug out and stashed it before jumping into the fray.

He ignored the shivering sensation running up his arms and ran to Roxy's side, helping her take care of her group of minions. Not that she needed the help, but seeing as her group was bigger, Eggsy thought it wasn't fair that she got to have all the fun.

"How's Percival coming with the bomb?" Roxy threw out, though whether it was for Eggsy or Merlin, Eggsy wasn't sure. Since he didn't know, he ignored the question and commenced shooting.

"Eight minutes," Percival answered before anyone else could, his voice the epitome of calmness even though Eggsy knew he was defusing a few hundred kilograms of C-4 with little more than a knife, his hands, and Merlin in his ear.

The bomb had been a surprise, showing up halfway across the Metro from where Roxy and Eggsy had been called to. A distraction, they quickly learned and rushed to the bomb’s location where Percival was alternating between analyzing the mechanism and shooting heads off. They provided him with the cover he needed to work.

“Jesus Christ. How many o’ these fuckheads _are_ there?” Eggsy cried out as emptied the last of his ammo in a bald minion’s forehead. And they were _still coming_. He sunk his fist in the next guy’s face and dug his heel in another’s crotch.

“Not very gentleman-like,” Roxy put in when she caught sight of it.

“Yeah, well, I’m getting a little frustrated ‘ere,” Eggsy answered with a telling huff. Her eyebrow lifted in question, but Eggsy ignored it in favor of vaulting over the next undead guy and kicking him in the back. Eggsy listened for the satisfying ‘crunch’ of broken bones that meant he was out for the count and allowed the guy to fall to the floor while he engaged another. 

Only, when the ‘whump’ of a fifteen-stone body registered in Eggsy’s hearing, his body seized in sudden and overwhelming shock. He froze where he stood while his body juddered with violent waves of pleasure from the sudden vibrations of the plug where there hadn’t been before, and the erection Eggsy had managed to control came alive, half mast in an instant. The guy he was in the middle of engaging took his sudden stop to his advantage and socked Eggsy right across the face and onto the ground.

“Galahad!” Roxy yelled as she fired a round into Eggy’s attacker’s forehead. It gave her the space to reach his side and squeeze his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” was her more gentle, but no less urgent question, but Eggsy was already shaking his moment away and surreptitiously searching the ground.

“Check in, Galahad,” Merlin demanded.

“‘M fine!” Eggsy called back, pushing Roxy’s hand off and ducking to charge at the guy behind her. Attention drawn back to the fight, she swung around and blasted a hole in his skull and did so with the next guy. Eggsy lost track of her after that because the vibrations were knocking his brain cells about, and he could barely string two thoughts together. The remote must have fallen out of his pocket when he vaulted over that one guy and was promptly stepped on, and Eggsy needed to find it _now_!

Shit, Merlin was going to kill him when-- _If!_ If he found out about the toy.

“Percival?” he asked through gritted teeth. He swung his leg at the next man, immediately regretting the action when the plug jabbed at his prostate, and dove for a gun for the next guy. A gun was good. He didn’t need to move much with it.

“Three minutes,” Percival called back. Eggsy took aim and fired, one round after another, holding perfectly still where he stood. On the one hand, the plug was no longer jolting at his prostate, but on the other, every single nerve in his body was finely attuned to the pulsations in his ass. 

Bollocks. 

Bloody bollocks, he didn’t _have_ three minutes. He only prayed no one called him out of the hard on he was carefully nursing in his trousers.

He fired off three more rounds, two hitting vital organs and one missing the mark completely. He gritted his teeth and adjusted his stance. “Fuck,” he swore under his breath and ducked to avoid his missed mark’s punch. He brought the butt of the gun up into his chin and once more around to the side of his temple, but the motion left him open to a punch from the side, which he took with all the possible grace of a grunted, “Fuck.” 

A kick to the chest had him landing square on his ass, which didn’t remotely hurt, but he fell back anyway and gasped as though it did, if Roxy’s reaction was anything to go by.

“Galahad!” she cried once more, taking down three more men to rush to him. She pinned him down by the shoulder, her eyes glaringly hard. “What’s. Wrong?!” she demanded. Without looking away from Eggsy’s face, she lifted an arm and shot one last guy in the face.

“Clear!” Percival cried out, which was a huge relief all things considered, but Eggsy’s nerves were still singing, and Roxy’s grip was too tight. He tried to bat her hand away, but without a full resolve behind it, Eggsy had no way in chance of even getting her to budge.

“Clean up team incoming. Knights, hold until they arrive and report back to base for debriefing,” Merlin said, then added, “Galahad, Medical first.”

Eggsy gasped and sat up. And then gasped again behind gritted teeth. “Medical? Wha’? No medical. I don’ need no Medical, Mer,” he protested, ducking out of Roxy’s overly helpful grasp as he staggered to his feet. Medical would be the death of him. Death by embarrassment. Or worse, maybe half a month’s suspension.

“You froze up, Galahad. In the middle of a fight suddenly and without warning,” Merlin pointed out. “So God help me, you’re going to Medical, and they’re going to tell me if you got doused with something or not for the sake of the Kingsmen if not your own.”

“I was--” Eggsy tried. Was what? “I just--’M fine. ‘Twas nuthin’ I swear. They weren’t nowhere near me when I… stopped. Was just surprised is all. Come on, Mer. I’ve had worse than this.” It was weak. A weak, weak excuse against a strong man (to be fair, it was still massively hard to think because he had yet to find the remote), and he knew beefed up orderlies were going to be waiting for him as soon as he stepped foot into the mansion. And possibly Gawain and Kay, too, depending on how uncooperative they expected Eggsy to be.

That made up that decision then.

As soon as the clean up team arrived, Eggsy quietly slipped away from the group and sneaked through a nearby alley. 

It would have been the perfect getaway if Roxy hadn’t been waiting at the other end as if having read his mind. Her arms were crossed over her chest and an eyebrow lifted in reprimand. Eggsy groaned and debated the merits of trying to take her down and running with the plug still firmly lodged up his ass and humming merrily away or trying for another escape at the mansion.

“Don’t even think about it, Eggsy,” she said, walking forward.

“Aww, come on, Rox,” he whined, shifting to conceal his nearly there erection.

“You’re being incredibly daft,” she said as she grasped his arm and led him back to their transport to HQ.

“Am not,” Eggsy tried. “I jus’ don’ want to hafta deal with them sadists pokin’ at me when there’s absolutely nuthin’ wrong!”

“It’s protocol, Eggsy, and they won’t keep you there for long if there isn’t anything to be found,” Roxy continued, dragging him all the way into the cab that would take them to the shop, and from there, to HQ. “Honestly, you’re being a right twat about all of this. You don’t usually complain this much.”

“I will have to agree with Roxy on this one, Eggsy,” suddenly came Harry’s voice in his ear, and _fuck_. Eggsy sucked in a sharp breath as his cock very quickly filled.

“What has gotten _into_ you?” Roxy demanded, having heard the breath. Her hands were on him, checking him all over for injuries, but only managing to make him flush and sweat further. Eggsy frantically pushed her hands away and crossed his legs tightly before he did something really stupid. Like come in his pants.

“I am _fine_ , Roxy. Lemme alone!” he snapped.

“Touchy, touchy,” Percival laughed from the passenger’s seat. Somehow, somewhere, he had managed to procure himself a tumbler of scotch. Eggsy didn’t ask; frankly, he was a little bit afraid to.

“Oh, shu’ it,” he shot back instead as if Percival wasn’t four times his senior in Kingsman experience. Roxy’s scandalized ‘ _Eggsy_!’ told him so, but at that point, Eggsy was too focused on the plug to muster the effort to care. Percival only laughed.

……………

His attempt to escape Medical was thoroughly foiled by the combined efforts of Roxy, Merlin, and Gawain, and so he really had no choice but to march toward the medical wing with two guns pointing at either side of his head and a pair of big, beefy arms pinning his own to his back.

“Don’ ya fink you’re bein’ a lil excessive?” he tried, struggling to pull his arms away. If he could do so, he might be able to nab Roxy’s gun and slide out beneath Merlin’s feet. 

It was an overly optimistic plan that has possibly zero chance of success because, for one, his plan hadn’t accounted for them being just as capable as he was. To be fair, though, with the plug still rattling away in his nether regions, he couldn’t be expected to come up with a more decent one. (At this point, he was struggling, and struggling hard, with the effort of not coming in his pants from being pinned down. While it was usually a huge turn on, the one doing the pinning wasn’t.)

“Won’t you let me please see ‘Arry firs’?” They ignored him. “Come on! You’re bein’ unreasonable!” he tried again as they neared the medical wing. They continued to ignore him, and Eggsy was getting desperate here. “Rox!” he said, in a last-ditch effort. God, she was going to tease him mercilessly for the rest of their God-given, Kingsman-shortened lives. “Rox, it’s the gif’.”

Roxy’s eyes snapped toward him, narrowed in thought. “What gift?” she asked. Eggsy risked a glance at Merlin who was, of course, watching. He ignored him for now and tried to phrase himself as vaguely as possible.

“The gif’, Rox. The gif’! From las’ week, you remember, don’ you?” he pleaded. Roxy’s brows drew together in thought before they slowly lifted toward her hairline, comprehension dawning on her face. She stared at him for long seconds in disbelief, first, then in hilarity.

“ _No_!” she gasped, low and amused. “No way. _That_ gift?” She suddenly choked out laughter. Her gun hand dropped to cover her mouth to hide the laughs that slowly trickled out, small disbelieving giggles first while Eggsy mentally willed her to help him out until they grew into massive, hearty howls that had her bent in half to contain. They had to stop to wait for her.

Merlin and Gawain exchanged a look of confusion while Roxy laughed until tears bled out her eyes and Eggsy glared at her.

“Do you have anything to do with Galahad’s predicament, Lancelot?” Merlin asked. His serious tone was what finally made Roxy snap silent.

“Oh, I am _not_ getting blamed for this,” she answered, giving Eggsy a pointed look.

“And what exactly is ‘this’?” Merlin asked once more. Roxy gave Eggsy a questioning glance, but Eggsy shook his head minutely and gave her the best pleading stare he could.

“I may know what it is,” she admitted, her gaze sliding from Eggsy to Merlin. “And it’s not anything serious. I swear. I just--I can’t. _Say_ what it is. Just that it won’t happen again, won’t it, Eggsy?” Eggsy shook his head vehemently.

“It won’ I swear. I swear on me life,” he agreed. Merlin’s eyes narrowed at them both.

“If this ‘gift’ is something illegal--”

“It’s not!” They both cried out at the same time.

“I dunno, Merlin,” Gawain put in. “It seems they’re trying awfully hard to hide something.”

“I’s no’ wha’ you’re finking, I swear. Roxy can vouch for me. Please, Mer! Look. Look, I _promise_ I’ll start handing in my reports on time if you let me go, please!” His puppy eyes never worked on Merlin before, but it was as good a time as any to try again. “Please?”

Merlin narrowed his eyes at him before eventually dropping his gun and saying, “I want no excuses. Your reports on my desk in three days or less.”

“Yes! I swear!” Eggsy nodded frantically.

“And I will hold both of you accountable for any fuckups caused by whatever this is that’s happening,” he said again. Both Roxy and Eggsy nodded.

“Promise,” Eggsy added to seal the deal, and finally, _finally_ , Merlin nodded to Gawain who released him. He took a step back in case Merlin decided to change his mind. “Tha’s it then? I can go?” he asked. 

Merlin gave a loud put-upon sigh, but said, “Yes, Eggsy. You can go.” Eggsy whooped and turned to sprint directly to Harry’s office. “Oh, but Eggsy!” Merlin called before he could get too far away. Eggsy turned to his handler, trepidation filling him. Merlin only grinned widely and threw something his way. It was only reflex that led him to catch it with not even a second’s notice, and when he opened his hand up, a familiar shiny little silver remote glinted up at him.

Embarrassment flared up all over his face as Merlin, Roxy, and Gawain burst into laughter.

“Next time, keep it to the bedroom, yeah?” Merlin called out to him.

“Oh, sod off!” Eggsy shot back just before he ran off.

……………

If Merlin knew, then Harry knew--of at least that much Eggsy was sure. So, when he stepped into Arthur's office, he was already expecting the hands that grabbed at him, the mouth that kissed him, the delightfully fit body that pressed up against him from knees to shoulders, pinning him up against the door he'd just entered. And he let them because that was kind of the point, innit? And because watching and hearing and feeling Harry's perfectly crafted composure crumble like the picturesque ruins of once majestic castles was something Eggsy strived for with every kiss, every moan, every undulation of his body.

" _Filthy_ ," Harry hissed into his ear where he was repeatedly slamming Eggsy's hips into the wall behind him with his own. 

Eggsy grunted at each thrust, but gave back as good as he got, earning himself bitten-off groans with each return volley. "Fuck, yeah," he cursed, hidden behind a choked moan as their cocks were ground together. "Jesus, 'Arry, yeah, jus' like that, baby." He yelped sharply when Harry bit down on the junction of neck and jaw beneath Eggsy's ear and slipped one hand down the back of Eggsy's trousers even when the other was already making short work of his belt and flies.

"Naughty little thing, aren't you?" Harry said into his skin while his impatient hand squeezed one arse cheek in a way Eggsy was certain would bruise come morning. But that concern quickly fled when said hand found the base of the plug, and Harry groaned into Eggsy's ear like the plug was shoved up _his_ arse.

Eggsy keened. His knees buckled beneath him and only Harry's solid grip and even more solid body held him pinned where he was.

"God, look at this," Harry continued, voice wrecked and near angry. His fingers played with the plug, pushing and pulling and twisting and turning while his other hand found Eggsy's cock and every last thought fled the younger man. Harry's mouth was pressed to his face, so he couldn't have missed the tears of pleasure that had been pooling in his eyes falling down his cheek.

Scratch that, he’d _definitely_ noticed them because he quite promptly _licked_ Eggsy’s cheek clean. 

Eggsy wailed. "'Arry! Jesus fuck. 'Arry, please! I can't--!"

"If you come, Eggsy, I swear to God I will tie you down and leave you here for the next three days with the godforsaken toy still firmly lodged up your arse," Harry snapped, and Eggsy sobbed because Harry's hands had shown no intention of stopping, of slowing in the least. He pressed his face to Harry's neck because the effort of holding his head up was much too much. Harry continued, heedless of Eggsy’s turmoil. His words did nothing to help Eggsy out. "Filthy little cockwhores don't get to come, do they, Eggsy?" Words. There were words Eggsy was supposed to be saying, but he couldn't be arsed, torn as he was between pushing forward and pulling back and finding no reprieve either way. "Naughty boys who can't stand to have their arse empty for a few short hours, who bring _toys_ to work and cock it all up don't deserve their release."

"Di--" Eggsy stuttered through a sob and a whine. "Din' cock up nuthin,'" he finished because for some reason correcting that little inaccuracy, regardless that Harry was merely teasing, seemed paramount at that moment.

That got a chuckle out of Harry at least, if not the slowing of his ministrations. "Quite, darling boy," he allowed and then his hands were gone.

Before Eggsy could breath a sigh of relief, however, he was spun around and one arm was jerked up between his shoulderblades. He grunted at the small amount of pain and his other hand scrabbled at the door while his knees and pants were tugged to his knees with one efficient motion. Harry pulled his hip back so that his arse jutted out obscenely from beneath his suit jacket and put his hand back on the plug.

"Please," Eggsy begged immediately and shamelessly. "Please, 'Arry. Can't--Don' tease, please. Please!"

"Dear heart," Harry murmured, his voice now pure liquid seduction, pouring over Eggsy's ear. The plug was pulled out abruptly and a moan snapped at Eggsy's chest. "I wasn't going to," he added and thrust into Eggsy in one fluid motion.

Eggsy screamed. 

He screamed and then he moaned, pleasure mostly winning over pain, but it was a close fight. Harry was sure to beat himself up over his hasty entry later, but it was fine. It was more than fine because there was just enough lube for him not to tear anything and Eggsy’s had been more than sufficiently stretched by the plug. And besides, Eggsy had suffered worse pains in the field.

In that regard, after the initial shock of pain, he thrust his ass back against Harry's cock and moaned.

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, 'Arry!" he chanted into the door. "Yeah, give it to me. ‘Arder, 'Arry. Please. I can take it ‘arder." Though really he wasn't quite sure how much harder Harry could fuck him because he was quite literally lifted off of the floor with each thrust.

"God, Eggsy," Harry moaned through gritted teeth. His other hand was digging dents into Eggsy's hips. "So, so perfect for me, my darling slut." He bit down on the back of Eggsy's neck, another point of pleasure that stole the rest of Eggsy's thoughts.

He moaned a slew of "uhn uhn uhn" as pleasure filled every single nerve ending of his body. Harry's command weighed heavily in the forefront of what was left of his mind, but there was only so much the mind could do to prevent the needs of the body.

When Harry shifted his body and _thrust_ , spearing Eggsy's prostate full-on, Eggsy screamed once more and came and came and came all over the door.

Harry grunted into his back, fucking him through each spasm of his orgasm, through the shocks of oversensitivity, through each gasp and whimper and whine. He released Eggsy's hip and his wrist so that he could take each arse cheek in each hand and _pry_ him _open_.

Eggsy was crying. _Crying!_ Messy and humiliating as Harry fucked him even deeper, even harder.

Until suddenly, he stopped.

Heat seared through Eggsy's arse and up his body as Harry stuttered groans into his back. He emptied himself into and filled Eggsy right up with his come, thrusting minutely while Eggsy clenched around him, milking the last of his load.

And then silence and the smell of sweat and sex filled the room. 

They held still for long moments, each catching their breaths even as Harry pressed kisses to Eggsy's clothed shoulders. Eggsy shifted to prompt Harry to move, but the older man slammed a hand into the middle of his back, pinning him still.

"Huh?" Eggsy tried, words still rebooting, but Harry ignored him to pull out, dragging a drop of come with him but no more. Eggsy bit off a small whine and turned his head to see Harry crouch to the floor. "What--" he managed before moaning and jolting to his tiptoes when the plug was pressed into his hole, slowly, teasingly. "Harry," he whined, breathy and breathless at the same time. Harry still ignored him, instead checking that the plug was secured well enough in his cock-loosened hole. Eggsy was almost half afraid it'd fall out, but Harry pulled his pants and trousers back up, putting him well to rights before working to right himself.

One stroke through his hair and he looked as polished as ever where Eggsy, barely held up by the door now at his back, felt like he was ruined beyond repair. Harry's cheeky smile sent butterflies into his stomach, and he reached an arm out to ask for a kiss. It was granted easily enough, Harry's mouth hot and slick and sweet against his own.

"My lovely boy," Harry murmured into his mouth, stroking his jaw and squeezing his hip.

"Mmm," Eggsy murmured in answer, heat carefully making its way through him at the praise. Harry's teeth found his earlobe, nibbling gently.

"Eggsy, my love," he continued to murmur. Eggsy mumbled the same dreamy response, still riding the high of their fucking. A whisper, "I believe you still have to debrief."

He shoved Harry back to give him an incredulous look.

"You can't be serious," he said.

"Oh, in fact I am." Harry looked rather pleased with himself, and Eggsy wanted to mess that up. "Much as I'd love to do nothing but to keep you on your knees for the rest of the day, we _are_ still at work and you _have_ just come off a mission. So. As I am your boss, I must insist that you adhere to our protocols." Eggsy blinked at him, a little angry, a lot frustrated.

"I've a plug up my arse," he explained slowly, like Harry was a small child.

"Which I am well aware of. Maybe it would help teach you a little discipline," was Harry's easy answer, so Eggsy stared at him incredulously, nearly appalled at his apparent ability to decline what was being so readily offered, and then, on finding that Harry wouldn’t budge, glared at him poisonously before turning on his heel and stomping down to Merlin’s office.

……………

In hindsight, Eggsy should have expected it. 

He was a goddamned trained spy--he really had no excuse for missing it. But then again he'd shot his melted brain out his cock and onto the inside of Harry's door not a moment earlier, so he did have a valid excuse for it.

It didn't change the fact, though, that he was in the middle of relaying his mission account to his handler when he stopped abruptly in the middle of a sentence, a profound sense of deja vu filling the moment.

Merlin's eyebrow lifted tellingly, so Eggsy cleared his throat and resumed, even when the little toy buzzed terribly inside him.

Harry was _so_ not getting any more work done.


End file.
